A car pulls into the parking lot (which our porch faces). Two guys get out, obviously continuing a conversation that had started in the car. They look up, see me, and apparently decide it's not worth my comfort (or their dignity) to stop talking.
"Maybe she'd had her shit ...CHANGED.."
"I mean, there were no ridges!"
"Yeah dude, any girl I've ever been with.."
"..It's like ridges on the inside, right?"
"Yeah, totally like ridges on the inside of that shit!"
"Dude...there were NO ridges."
- WTF?!
Shocked and alarmed by what I'd just heard (and a little curious), I posted the above on my Facebook. Below is the meat of the comment stream that followed:
Danielle: " ....."
Me: "...yeah. I'm also kind of alarmed because I was not AWARE that we had ridges. ."
Marilyn: "hahaha..my thoughts exactly, I just didn’t want to be the one to ask what that meant...in case I'm supposed to know..."
Bethie Sue: "lol-glad I wasn't the only one who didn't know. See? It’s really a good thing you overheard this conversation, because you have educated us!"
Marilyn: "hahaha!!
Me: "But. . RIDGES?! I don't think so. BF looked at me all skeptical. Then again he also said 'I wouldn't call it. . ridges.' So there's something."
Danielle:" yea... ridges wouldn't really be like... uh... nvm just wtf and leave it at that lmao"
Bethie Sue: "MYSTERY!!!!!! .....Texing Mr. Bethie Sue now. We will get to the bottom of this."
Marilyn: "Joe says yes to ridges..hmmm"
Me: "Yesssss. . Girls, confront your partners! WHY DIDN'T ANY OF THEM TELL US!? Did they just assume we KNOW? Yes, cause I would have reason to jam my. . nevermind. I 'm leaving that alone. No matter what I say, it's going to turn into a masturbation joke. -_-"
Marilyn: "I NEED A MIRROR!!!!!! HAHAHA!"
ME: "WTF JOE!? Why wouldn't you tell us this? I feel like I just discovered I'm part fish, and not in a ‘we share .00001% of our DNA’" kind of way! Or like there's some kind of alien lurking in my cooter. ."
Marilyn: "yeah, he's grinning and shrugging...so the conversation's over..."
Me: “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! http://www.goaskalice.columbia.edu/1910.html I Googled ‘Vaginal Ridges’ and that's the first link that came up!"
Danielle: "My bf also says yes to ridges and is now giving me detailed instructions on where they are located specifically. Stand by for updates."
Me: "I DON'T WANNA KNOW ABOUT THE RIDGES IN YOUR HOO HOO DANIELLE!! I'M STILL FREAKED OUT THAT WE EVEN HAVE THEM! AND YES! THIS *IS* A PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE USE OF CAPS LOCK!"
Marilyn: Panda!!! so helpful! THANKS ALICE!!!"
Me: "I don't wanna be right now. *stares sadly at the ground* I wanna be wrong!"
Marilyn: "HAHAHA!!!! Now I'M grinning a shrugging...."
Danielle: "lmfao I didn't mean he was drawing a map to my specific ridges Panda XD and yes, I feel awkward even saying the phrase 'my ridges'. I smell a new sassy hit single, kinda like lovely lady lumps"
Me: "On an additionally creepy note: thanks to that article, I've now determined the ridge-less chick that dude 1 (who looks early to mid 20s) apparently put his peter in was either:
1) Formerly a man
2) Prepubescent
or
3) Past menopause. . .
There is no 'best case scenario' here."
Marilyn: "HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! ...and Danielle, yeah..this IS a black eyed peas song for sure!"
Danielle: "oh god."
Me: Danielle, re-read your comment and tell me this; If you were me, how could that NOT sound like Dexter was going to give you a schematic of the inside of your tweeter?
( We went off topic with some inter-friend introductions for a minute here)
Me: “ANYWAYS! RIDGES!”
Marilyn: “Hahaha...dude, I need to meet my RIDGES now...MIRROR??? ANYONE???”
Me: “I'm suppressing the urge to text every guy friend in my phone and inquire about this 'ridges' thing. . just to make them as uncomfortable as I am right now.”
Danielle: “My bf is calling me a noob for not knowing about them -__-“
Me: I don't know that you could meet them like that Marilyn. And in either case. . *stifle laughter* . . it would be awkward trying to peek into your own box.”
Marilyn: “BAHAHAHAHA!!! Not even with a flashlight?”
Marilyn: “Taking that as a ‘no’...cool. well at least I won’t have nightmares or anything tonight....”
Me: “ WELL DEXTER!? HOW THE FUCK WOULD WE KNOW!? Obviously we all had to ask our BOYFRIENDS. BOY-FRIENDS. As in regardless of whether or not some of us may or may not have come vagueness as to gender attraction patterns, we have BOY friends. As in ...'I know I haven't put MY dick in some girl's snatch!'
Yes, yes, there are hands, pervy Dexter. But you know what, I'm gonna guess my fingers aren't as sensitive as a penis. Just a guess, but last time I checked, I didn't get off from putting my rings on. So the question of having opportunity to explore either my, or another girl's ham wallet is moot. My Fingers. Don't. Cum. Dexter. . . . n00b.”
Randy: “ I, too, have ridges on the inside.”
Me: “Marilyn, now that you've mentioned a flashlight, there is officially NO WAY IN HELL that what I'm picturing in my head could EVER be thought of as ‘sexy’. ‘Awkward’, ‘painful’, or ‘hilarious’ , sure.”
Marilyn: “Hahahaha!!! yeah...no..”
Danielle: “LMFAO he is now speechless. Brilliantly said Panda! XD”
Me: “I'm on a fucking roll here. .”
Me: “Randy, I respect the strength it must have taken for you to admit that you have a vagina. I would like to take this time to clarify that you do not, in fact, have a vagina. However, you are, in fact, a pussy. *schwing!*”
Danielle: “If he has a vagina now, wouldn't it not have any ridges? Since it's been CHANGED?”
Me: “No no, HIS ridges are not due to the fact that he has a vagina now. They are because, by being a pussy, his entire body IS a vagina. You see what I did there? Yeah, slick. And I assure you, Randy being a pussy is completely natural.”
Me: “ . . Love you Randy.”
Me: “ . . Please don't kill me with a sword. Over.”
Note: As traumatizing as this whole experience was, I feel it was worth it for the comments it spawned.
Note: Randy is BF’s brother. It is likely that he’s not going to go halfsies on super sweet long range walkie talkies with me for Xmas anymore, and that instead my Xmas present is going to be a sword to the gut. . or eyeball. . or vagina.
Note: For poops and giggles, count how many different words for female genetalia were used in that snippet. Now, take that number and add 2. Yeah, we're that awesome.
Have any of you ever considered the anatomy model, and that is in fact has small "ridges"? Or for that matter, that all of the diagrams/pictures concerning child birth do not in reality alter the shape/elasticity/general texture of one's vagina, yet they somehow contain these mysterious "ridges"?
ReplyDeleteI love that as young women you are still considering your body awkward and mysterious. It's interesting to see that we never do outgrow societal expectations for normative idiosyncrasies.
However, I would pose the question, why are you viewing your body through the opposite gender, and their perception of it? I can see that learning something about the opposing experience can be enlightening, but I wonder if we don't feel awkward/distant/insecure simply because men have chosen to set a simplistic texturized standard to the female genitalia, which is in actuality as unique as the face. Let's revol in the meantime, that men have set constructs to our bodies, that we break, making them feel uncomfortable with their own sexualities, merely through something as mundane as genetics (i.e. you inherit your vagina and its texture via DNA).
So in the clever words of a feminist: Suck it, sir. You have yet to understand us, or our genitalia.