Awkward Conversations 1: Nose Rape

     I'm all for people watching. Making up background stories for the people that pass is one of life's guilty little pleasures. Honestly, I don't mind overhearing other people's conversations either. Sometimes you can't hear all of the conversation, and then it becomes interactive. I pretend I'm a detective, listening in, trying to figure out what the conversation is about. It's a fun little game, and a totally harmless way of sticking your nose into someone else's business...until your nose gets raped. This conversation was forced upon me, and my nose was violated. I want you to understand this . . raped.

 

I was sitting outside on the porch, just minding my own business. My ears pricked up to the sound of loud conversation. I was balls deep in some Facebook, so I hadn't really registered it as "words" yet, just some loud background noise. When I finally tuned in, I realized I was overhearing a neighbor's conversation that, in retrospect, I shouldn't have.

 

Dude-With-Problem: "muffled mumble sorry mumble mean to ya know man?"

Dude-With-Advice:     "Fuck that, why would you exploit that? People ...People make mistakes man, but why would you exploit something that you know would hurt your wife?" 

 

     Neighbor was talking to his friend that had obviously either really fucked up his situation, or was just having relationship issues in general. I couldn't be completely sure because Dude-With-Problem was actually aware that they're outside and was trying to be a little quiet. Dude-With-Advice was completely oblivious to his inappropriate loudness, and was practically screaming. 

     Thinking I have a grasp on what this conversation is about, I returned to my sneaky listening with a small grin on my face. (My nose is in the door... )

Dude-With-Advice: "Hell man! My cousin used to rape me..."

 

     ABORT!!! ABORT!!! RETRACT NOSE!! RETRACT NOSE!! FIE! It's too late! I can't leave! Leaving would call attention to myself! Sure, they can't see me, but they'll hear me! (Nose has been grabbed by Dude-With-Advice. He is sans pants, and he will not let go...)

 

 Dude-With-Advice continues: "... beat the shit out of me, and *muffled muffled muffled* my Mom, AND my sister man! But you know what, that's who I am man! Take me or leave me! Love me or don't!" 

Dude-With-Problem: "I mumble man, mumble mumble know." 

 

Dude-With-Advice: "But why would you let that fucker have the satisfaction? Drive you away from God that you love so fucking much? I LIKE this Church!"

 

   At this point, some I was finally able to stop tuning in. I think my nose was so traumatized from having Dude-With-Advice's member repeatedly crammed into it that I went into some state of shock. 

     Thankfully, Dude-With-Problem apparently got it through Dude-With-Advice's head that this was probably a conversation best suited to the indoors. The awkwardness ended and I was finally able to tip-toe back inside. 

 

(I'm not even sure what that conversation was about. I thought I had it figured out, but with each new twist, I became increasingly lost/scared/raped. Honestly, I'm not sure I really want to know.)